Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween! (reminiscing)

Halloween has always been a favorite of mine so I thought I'd share some Halloween pasts...

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Angel & Devil

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This was my most creative! TomKat (Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes)...she was pregnant at the time. My hair was too short to sport a pony tail so I opted for a fake one. And you can't see from our name tags, but it says Scientology Ball. Too funny! At the party we went to, Mary was nominated in all categories: best male, best female, and best couple. LOL. We won best couple. :-)

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Last year, poor BoBo got the rath of me wanting a baby. Poor kitty.

This year we'll be taking the kids out trick-or-treating. C1 is Spider Man and C2 despite wanting to be a butterfly is Super Man (at least it was his 2nd choice). Mary was all, "why not just let him be a butterfly?". As a gay couple, we're pretty relaxed when it comes to gender roles but I wasn't going to be the lesbian couple carting around their foster son dressed as a butterfly. LOL.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The day that FINALLY ended

I felt like my day was never going to end yesterday. Mary ended up going into work for the afternoon. She left, I did some major cleaning in the house and then decided to lay down for a nap. Well, about 15 minutes later, I hear the dogs barking and the garage opening. I'm like, please tell me, it's just Mary coming home sick. Nope, it's Mary, C1, and C2.

Apparently, C1 was acting so bad at quiet time they called Mary to come get him. We had this issue a few months ago and to solve it Mary would have the school call her. She would bring him home and he'd be in his room for the afternoon.

Well, it solved the problem for a little while but like all of C1's bad behaviors, it cycles through yet again. I swear it is never ending with this kid. Why is it so difficult to behave?

Needless to say, Mary worked from home while I watched C2. She brought him home so we wouldn't have to go back for him. C2 is not normally difficult to watch but I was so tired so was kind of ticked off about the situation and the boy would just not leave me alone.

This morning, I talked to C1 about behaving today. About 15 minutes later, he slammed C2 in the head with a toy. Lovely.

Oh well, I am off to the grocery store. Some how we have managed to go through 2 loafs of bread in under a week. If we adopt the boys, we're going to need some stipend to afford food for them as teenagers.

Monday, October 29, 2007


Well, the weekend was kind of a bust and I'm just glad it's over. We did have fun dressing the kids up but the 1st thing we tried to go to was pretty much rained out. I called in the morning and they said the rain wouldn't affect it since it was under tents. Ummm, we got there to find a tiny tent packed with people so opted out. Mary suggested bringing the kids to the mall to run around. I didn't agree but that sort of worked out aside from feeling like weirdos with the kids in costumes.

Then in the afternoon, we went to the major event in town. We *thought* we got there early enough to avoid the crowds - less than 30 minutes after it started. Well, it was packed! Mary hates crowds and after waiting 15 minutes for C1 to go on a bouncy thing, I knew it was also a bust. Of course, C2 was all "I gonna jump" and started freaking out when we tried to put him in it so did not jump. There was some random trick-or-treating which was fun for the kids but also had crazy lines.

I just feel like lately nothing ever goes as planned lately. Mary also had a major freak-out on potty training C1. This has been an on-going process to say the least. C1 is not even close nor does he seem to have any desire, even when his little brother is potty trained. He pee'd so many times in his diaper on Saturday morning even though we had him going to the potty regularly that Mary wanted to not allow him to wear his costume. I threw veto and said, "hell no!". She was not going to ruin my photo ops and accomplish nothing rather than just piss him off and further our potty issues. Anywho, Mary has been the main one in potty training him since she usually does C1s stuff and I do C2s stuff (whom I already potty trained months ago). Now, I am taking over the C1 potty-training. This should be fun since at this point, I'm grossed out at changing the kids diaper so have been avoiding it at all costs. He's a big kid and gets some serious pleasure on having his diaper changed. Ugh.

So we had a long weekend. Then, my hi-lite of the weekend was seeing the Red Sox win the World Series. I even stayed up for the entire game and some of the post show. After going to bed at 12:30 a.m., I thought I would be pretty good for sleep and maybe Mary would get up with the kids. Well, we were woken up to screaming of the ABCs and the boys doing there usual throwing of 5:30 a.m. The usual wake up time is 6:30/7. I seriously thought I was going to kill them.

Then Mary wasn't feeling well so I had to deal with all the morning crap and making the hour round trip to pre-school. I just feel so fed up with them. Maybe because they are not my kids and I see them call some crack head "mama" every week even though I am doing all the work. The amount of work I have to do for them is driving me crazy and I would have never spaced my own kids 10 months apart. It is hell! And it's seriously driving me crazy.

And of course I'm even more high strung being in a 2ww. Which I had thought I was handling well but the weekend came and all of sudden all this anxiety popped up about it.

Friday, October 26, 2007


I'm actually looking forward to the weekend. We have a bunch of Halloween stuff planned and then Sunday is both Pats' and Sox. :-) One bonus of having kids in the house is being able to enjoy holidays that revolve around kids like Halloween.

So we will be going 2 different Halloween events tomorrow. Luckily, one is before their nap time and one is after so it works out well. We're also debating doing a hayride at night. Hopefully the weather is going to be good...I should check.

I was telling Mary if I knew we'd be doing so much Halloween stuff, I would've got the kids 2 costumes. I know, I'm crazy but costumes are fun and I know they'll destroy them on Saturday. Also, C1's spider man costume has a mask so I'm not sure he'll be able to stand it the entire time. Though this is a kid who sleeps completely covered in blankets (even his head) during August and wakes up saturated in sweat. He also can't wear his glasses with it on so his eye will be all over the place.

Just a random vent on Halloween costumes for pre-schoolers. There was hardly anything. All the costumes were for babies *such cute stuff*, up to 24 months, or 6 year olds; nothing for in between ages. C2 had to go with the 24 monther so it just barely fits him and C1 is a big kid *tall* for his age so he's wearing a big size which also is barely doable.

On a totally different subject, Mary made her radio debut on a Maine morning show. It was pretty cool to listen to her. She had left super early this morning to get over to the coast (for the lobster stuff) so I was dealing with the kids this morning. I NEVER have the radio on so they were all "what's that noise? that's Mary!" C1 was also adamant that Mary was on a boat and not on the radio. So I'm not sure they understood what was going on but it was pretty funny.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The drama continues...

The meeting didn't go too bad. The great-grandmother's lawyer is fairly normal and as much as she tried to defend her and pull pity cards for her, she seemed to understand the situation. We also really like the guardian ad litem and he seems to understand the situation we're in.

At least great-grandmother wasn't there which was a fear of mine (we were told she wasn't). It also didn't turn into we want to get a visit for her no matter what which was our other fear.

We definitely feel bad for the great-grandmother but at the same time, it's not about her, it's about the boys and what's best for them. Believe me, if having a relationship with her had worked out, we would've loved having a free babysitter in town.

However, after visits with her, we saw diarrhea, tantrums, night terrors, clinginess and various other disturbing favors. Also, most times we would receive a call from her within 2 hours (when she was supposed to take them for 4) that C1 was crying about an ear ache and she had to bring him home. When he got home, he would make a miraculous recovery within 5 minutes, no medicine needed.

We also kept her updated on these things but it just didn't phase her. Finally, after things were out of control, we asked the department to step in. Unfortunately, we shouldn't have been coordinating anything to begin with. Never mind coordinating visits with her at our house, a time for her to take them out, and phone calls. Lord, I know more about this woman than I do my own mother.

Unfortunately, I think the great-grandmother just has a goal and that's to see the boys at her convenience. Afterall, everything we went over at this meeting has been relayed to the great-grandmother during 4 team meetings even relayed by the boys' therapist.

We were also very clear that if we are to adopt, the only thing we could do for her was send her updates in the form of letters and possibly pictures. So we think her lawyer won't be able to convince her that her seeing them is not good for them. In which case, she'll pursue a battle of placement or sue for custody. I guess we'll just wait and see. Of course, we had to get the most dramatic foster placement that has this huge exetended family living in the same town we do.

Sox & Boots

Mary was like a pre-schooler wearing her boots all around the house last night, even laying on the couch with them to watch t.v. LOL. It was so funny because she seriously was like a child, I've seen kids at the boys' schools wearing their snow boots or rain boots in the middle of the summer. We finally had to hide C1 and C2's since they were always trying to wear them too.

In other news, the Sox kicked a**!!!! I finally went to bed at 11 - I know it's not late to most people but for me, it's almost 2 hours past my bedtime. The 5th inning was just never going to end and is much as I liked seeing the Sox blugeon the Rockies, I figured we definitely had it in the bag at that point.

I'm also enjoying a World Series that the Red Sox are in without BEER. If I'm not pregnant, I'm going to kill someone. LOL.

Oh well, the kids are off to their visit soon and we're off to the dreaded meeting. Here's some foliage pics' from our jaunt yesterday - photos don't seem to capture the beauty but they're still fun.

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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Big Fish, Little Sea

Just back from a jaunt over to Searsport. Mary's lobster study includes her going out on the water so she has to gear up. She is so crazy. Anywho, we went over to a marine supply store and got some stuff like big crazy boots. I did get a cute hat too. Hey, it's reimbursed so why not.

She was laughing at me because it's such a man's place & I'm like there's cute stuff for a baby boy nursery. I was thinking of doing a boy nursery in a sail boat theme. Anywho, we had a decent seafood lunch after marine supply shopping and then headed back.

Mary is all psyched to be a mini celebrity this week. A paper she recently wrote was covered in a major Maine newspaper and then our local newspaper did a feature story and she had lots of quotes in it. Now I guess she's going to be on some radio show later in the week. So she is pretty excited. At least being in Maine, for Mary has been awesome. She is able to get more recognition on a state level opposed to in Mass she was small time.

I guess I'm going to attend tomorrow's crazy meeting with the great-grandmother's lawyer and guardian ad litem. I brought the boys to school and C1 to therapy before hand. Apparently, Mary had been up with C2 during the night since he woke up with some nightmare (I was in a coma - oops) so I offered to the carting of the kids around this morning.

After C1's therapy, the therapists got into how she had talked to the lawyer for over an hour. As suspected, it's all about the great-grandmother wanting access to the kids. We went through this before so are pretty fed up at this point. It comes down to the boys, and especially for C1, the more visits, the crazier they are especially when they see this great-grandmother. Oy. It never ends!!!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Rainy Days

Well, it's day 1 of "not obsessing". LOL. The weather went from gorgeous to gross here. It is all overcast and randomly rainy here today. At least I have been spending most of my time resting. I feel particularly tired today - maybe the HcG, maybe the rain.

I also finally started looking for a temp job. I sent an updated resume to a place I tested at last year (before I ended up getting a temp job through the university) so hopefully they can find me something. Otherwise, it gets annoying to start with other agencies since you have to do all sorts of testing and stuff.

I feel like the schedule with the boys is already not going to work out but whatever. The extra money can't hurt and I need to be more busy even if it means working in an office and acting all phoney.

Mary was already mentioning how she's doing some lobster study so on days she's going out to "sample", I'll have to bring the boys to school. Hopefully she hasn't scheduled any of her trips for visit days or therapy days which counts for 3 days of the week. oy.

She had also suggested me finding a regular job but since I'm trying to get pregnant, I think temp is the way to go. Afterall, if I feel really sick when I'm prego I can just quit & not feel bad about it. And I plan on staying at home with a baby (the entire point of moving to Maine) so it's not like I'd be working at a reg office for a long time. So temp it is.

In the boys' news, at court yesterday a trial for TPR was set. That will be at the end of November and apparently I'll receive a subpoena. I wish they could just subpoena Mary, she lives to be all Law & Order like.

Mary also agreed to meet with the guardian ad litem and the great-grandmother's lawyer (but the great-grandmother won't be there - weird). I think that's this Thursday or next Thursday. She said I can go or not go so I will probably not go. I'm so terrible but this entire process makes me feel uncomfortable. The only reason I'd go is to make sure Mary didn't agree to having some sort of relationship with the great-grandmother. I'm sure this is the entire point of the meeting.

Monday, October 22, 2007

IUI & Trigger

My millionth post of the day...

So I had my IUI and then the dr. recommended a trigger shot of HcG. She also saw 2 pretty good size follicles during the ultrasound - she said there's a chance of twins but it's unlikely. Obviously, I'll be happy with one!!!

When she did the IUI, she was able to make a slide of the sperm. She said they were awesome swimmers with 80% motility (that's really good). Kind of gross but there was some blood from my cervix (since the sample had come from the catheter) and she said they were attacking the red blood cells. Hopefully they attack the egg(s)!!!

I went in for my trigger at about 1:00. For anybody thinking of one (Trace) it cost about $65 - I had to pick it up at a pharmacy and then it was 2 shots in the bum. If it's given in the arm, I guess they do 4 shots so that's why they do it in the bum. That sounds weird. LOL.

I always thought they were done before the IUI so that seems kind of odd but who knows, I have to remind myself I'm not a fertility doctor - even though I totally should be. LOL.

I'm trying to not get my hopes up TOO much though. I promise myself not to obsess over names and due dates. Yeah right!

After my shots, I decided to take a drive to visit Mary. I was already on the other side of town so I was closer to the University. It was like 80 degrees today. So I got a smoothie and she got a coffee and we sat out in the grass. So crazy to have weather like this at the end of October. I can't complain though.

I've also decided to bulk up on more vitamins since I needed more prenatals anyways and I've heard this DHA stuff is great to take during pregnancy. Though kind of dum - I bought a DHA pregnancy supplement and then Omega 3 fish oil supplements - turns out it's like the same thing. Now I'm totally confused on what to take and when.

Well, I'm off to enjoy my evening since I put the kids in bed early and Mary's at her mentor training. I can watch E! News and Little People, Big World. *Mary hates both of these* ha!

major VENT (this is LONG)

Mary & I had some fight last night about her sister Jill's wedding (that's going to be in Florida). Her sister was planning on getting married, she's been engaged on and off to the same guy. She said the plan was to get married sometime in Spring 2008. We kept asking her about it because I was worried she was going to pull some last minute wedding and that's exactly what she did. The wedding is now at the beginning of December. It's also on her and her mom's property which is kind of lame - I was hoping for the resort that was originally mentioned.

Mary has been pressuring me on making a decision on whether or not to bring the boys on the trip. I do NOT want to. Last time we brought them down, taken they had only lived with us for a few months at the time, it was total hell. Traveling with 2 kids (that don't usually listen) sucked, C2 got sick (as he always does but we actually had to bring him to an emergency clinic), it was no vacation for me since I was cooking and cleaning most of the time, we were cramped in a 2 bedroom place and as usual I was about to kill C1. The only fun thing was bringing them to Disney but that cost us an arm & leg.

We stayed at her mother's place while her mother stayed in the efficiency that's attached to Jill's place. Her mom wasn't exactly cooperative and her family kept complaining that we have such a strict schedule with the boy's naps and bedtime.

Needless to say, it sucked so it isn't something I'm looking forward to doing again. Especially when we're going down for a wedding that the boys shouldn't attend and Mary's in it so I'll be stuck watching them while she's doing wedding stuff. We had a babysitter available for our wedding since we didn't allow kids, Jill claims she's doing the same thing but I think it's unlikely. Almost everyone attending our wedding was from out of town, everyone attending Jill's lives in the same town the wedding is so I think a babysitter is going to be the last thing on her mind.

Mary of course has spun it - if we bring the boys we'll fly direct, stay a week, and rent a place. If we don't, we'll have to connect, we can only stay a few days since "we can't" put the kids in respite, and we'll stay with her family. Obviously, she knows I'd do anything to get down to Florida in December. BUT at this point, I don't even want to go. I plan on being pregnant so I probably won't want to fly and if we're only going for a few days and connecting, what's the point? Maybe I'm being dramatic but I was seriously MISERABLE on the last trip. And I really don't know why we need to decide right now, we can always get air tickets last minute. I also told her it was not going to be a good idea for us to fly down so close to the wedding since December snow could delay the trip.

The part that pissed me off the most was earlier in the night I was telling her how I need the next 2 weeks to be virtually stress free. So whatever she can do to help that, please do. One thing I stressed was not wanting to talk about the boys because that is the major stressor in my life and then a while later she brings the wedding up after letting me know she'd be out for a mentor training tonight. This is something she signed up for when we first started the foster process since she really wanted to do something with older foster kids and I refused to have them live in my house.

A few weeks ago when she was getting things set for the mentor thing, I mentioned to her it probably wasn't the best time since we are so overwhelmed with the boys and where was she going to fit in time to spend with some teenage foster kid??? Apparently, that didn't sink in since she's still doing it no matter what. She is also a bundle of stress with her work obligations and the boys so I'm not sure what this is going to do to her.

IUI Scheduled

It looks like I'll go in at 10:00. I couldn't stand the wait so finally called them again. Hopefully they get it done close to that time too - I felt like last time, I was there for over an hour before they actually did the IUI.

Oh well, I'm so neurotic in this entire process but timing is everything. We're also only doing the 1 IUI this month, opposed to 1 IVI and IUI. We felt our home method sucked (after about 7 or 8 of them) and we save about $400 in sperm cost.

Unfortunately, Mary won't be able to go with me which kind of sucks. But the boys' court case is today (also at 10). She doesn't have to actually go but she likes to, to make sure she's totally up-to-date. I went last time and felt it was not only pointless but very uncomfortable so opted out this time whether I was having the IUI or not.

The bio mother will have a chance to sign away her parental rights today though I think it's highly unlikely. The caseworker seems to think differently but she knows we want this process to be done so she sugar coats everything.

Anywho, time for me to get in some sort of meditative state before I'm poked and prodded. Oy.

IUIs and The Sox

I am impatiently awaiting a call back from my gyn's office. It's 8:12 and they open at 8. I had a positive OPK test yest afternoon so if I can get in this morning it should be pretty good timing. I left a message with their answering service early this morning. I feel like I'm ovulating RIGHT NOW. LOL.

I am so tired but for good reason - I watched the Sox beat the Indians. Now we are headed to the World Series!!! :-)

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Mary's back & Mama's gone

Well, my mom is headed home to Ohio :-( It was a very nice visit - I think the perfect amount of time, just under a week. The drive to the airport in Portland sucked but Mary took the kids out this afternoon so I returned to an empty house :-)

Yesterday, we did end up going over to the coast early in the day. Of course, right after I get on the highway I remembered that I was going to call FedEx to see if they could leave the spermies w/out a signature. Doh!

Anywho, the weather was terrible you can see in these pics.

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(the fog was actually pretty scary for some of the ride)

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(my crazy mom)

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(crazy me)

It was beautiful all week when we didn't have any outdoor plans. We ended up just going to Belfast...the plan was Belfast and Camden but the weather just sucked. It was still fun and I ended up being home in time to sign for the spermies.

And last night, Mary & I took advantage of my mom being here & went out to dinner after we put the kids to bed. I really really really wanted sushi since I'm about to enter a 2ww. Well, I didn't make a reservation since I didn't really know what time we'd get out of the house. There was going to be a 45 minute wait & there's no bar so we said forget it and went to the Thai place. We got a few Thai things and some sushi. Well, the sushi was YUCKY and so was the seaweed salad. Note to self: don't try to get Japanese food from a Thai place. But it was still fun to get out, we also went for yummy drinks at another place afterwards. I was pretty buzzed when I got home & Mary wanted to watch Survivor (that we had DVR'd on Thursday). So silly. I'm like, you wanna watch Survivor now???

Oh well, Mary is going to be home with the chitlins soon. I'm off to eat pizza & watch the Sox. Go Sox!!!

Thursday, October 18, 2007


We receive this adoptive & foster families newsletter every month. They have random stories and people also put announcements in them.

One announcement struck me because it said "proud fathers". yay!!! I love to see other gay parents in Maine adopting. It looks like they started fostering him when he was 2 months old and now he's finally adopted at age 2.

Too cute! :-)

What was to be a visit day

It started off as a chaotic morning. Since the kids don't have their visit 'til 10:30 I usually don't get them dressed until closer to the time we'll be leaving. Well, 9:30 comes, we're still in PJs and the place calls to tell me the visit is not going to happen. Uh-oh.

Luckily, the boys didn't know they were going to have a visit but they were under the impression it was a "stay at home day". Well, I talk to my mom & I'm like, "should we bring them to school?". She says, "oh yeah! definitely". LOL. It seems even she had enough with their fights in the morning.

So I called their schools to let them know they'd be coming in. C1's school was like, "o.k. we'll be leaving for a field trip at 10:15". yikes! So we had to fly over there. Of course every time I say we need to move quick, C1 goes from hyper active to slow motion. UGH.

Then when I went to dropp him off he had a major fit, grabbing on to me leg, screaming and crying "don't leave me". As much as it breaks my heart, I know if I gave into this he would drive me crazy later in the day (afterall, he was home yesterday) and he'd always do this to get his way.

C2 always does a hold on to the leg and shy thing (no screaming and crying) when he first gets to school but I'm more prepared for it since it happens every time. When C1 has a fit, it's usually pretty unexpected.

This only happens to me and not Mary - wtf? I'll be glad when she's bringing them tomorrow, especially since it's about a 25 min car drive over there (near her work but not near our house). Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that there's childcare but it hasn't exactly made my week easy.

Anywho, me and my mom got to have an enjoyable day. We did some shopping & went to lunch. Apparently Ohio doesn't have any good Chinese food. Not that Maine does but I guess it's closer to what she's used to in Mass.

Now it's already almost time to head back over for the pick up...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

a boring post

Mary can't get home soon enough. It's nice having my mom here but there is still so much for me to do. The boys love my mom but they also know she has no authority and doesn't stand her ground. She has been better than she usually is but some things, she's like, "it's o.k.". And I'm like, "no, these are the rules we have". These aren't your ordinary kids where you can be a little bit relaxed about things especially when C1 can be set off so easily.

Oh well. We're hoping to get over to the coast on Friday for lunch. Yesterday, C2 was home and today C1 is home. I figured they could both have a "stay at home day" as they call it with Nana Patty. But then tomorrow they are home except for their 3 hour visit.

Mary doesn't get home until very late tomorrow. Luckily, she'll be here to get up with the kids on Friday. That is probably the hardest thing about having them. I enjoy my sleep and when I wake up, I like it to be a gradual thing. In this house, you have to hit the ground running...taking the dogs out, getting kids up, bringing them to the potty, getting breakfast ready immediately. I barely have time for a morning pee. LOL. And of course I'm dragging a** and the kids are bouncing off the walls.

I also feel like the Clomid made me more irritable this month and gave me weird headaches. Hopefully this will be the last month I take it!

This is all so random and this post is boring. I think I need a RedBull or something.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

What's in a donor?

Well, it's that time again - the time to order sperm. One thing about doing shipping every month is that we tend to change our donor since our "perfect" first donor that we took SO long to decide is of course gone (over a year later). I've definitely seen our requirements fade away. It used to be tall, blonde, blue eyes, average weight, CMV negative, & a cute picture of them as a baby. Now the only real requirement is the blue (or green) eyes & CMV neg.

I'm trying to convince Mary to go with "my donor" instead of hers. I think the only good thing about not being prego this month was my fear of the donor we used. The staff described him as being "very attractive" but his facial profile showed him to have a large forehead and very large ears. On the other hand "my donor" has an adorable baby pic (well, more of a 3 yr old pic but still extremely cute) and a well-proportioned face.

The scary thing is seeing other people's baby who look exactly like one of the parents. My friend Connie's baby looks just like his dad Scot. Of course, this a good thing for Connie, Scot is cute and made a cute baby. She also knew what he looked like before making a baby with him. When choosing a sperm donor, it's kind of a crap shoot. I don't want my kid to look like some random guy that potentially looks nothing like me.

Mary's all about the blonde hair thing but blonde/blue eyed sperm donors go quick so we are pretty much left with last month's donor that has no baby pic available. Guys that sound great, I've ordered baby pics only to find some scary babies. I mean who wasn't cute as a baby? Apparently, guys that are donating sperm.

Mary is crazy about the blonde hair thing. Her family all had this crazy white blonde hair when they were young, as do all our nephews and nieces on that side. We refer to them as "children of the corn kids". But now, Mary has brown hair as do all but 2 out of 6 siblings (one is a redhead and I think the other is bottle blonde). And I have dark hair (though sometimes bleach finds it's way to my head) so what's wrong with having a dark haired child?

Oh well, this is turning into rambling. Of course, outside of my shallowness, I really just want good swimmers because either way I'm going to think my baby is the most adorable in the world. So we should not go with last month's donor since he didn't get me prego. It's settled - thanks! ;-)

Monday, October 15, 2007

Mama's Here

My mom is here :-) And Mary is away :-( I miss my lovebugs when she's gone.

Anywho, my mom arrived yesterday. Unfortunately for Mary, I got the day off yesterday since my mom was flying into Portland which is over a 2 hour drive from here. We tooled around, went to the Christmas Tree Shop *it's a New England thing* and to lunch.

She of course brought the kids prizes so they fought over those all night and C1 threw a major fit. Luckily, they were in pre-school/day care for most of the day and are now watching the Care Bears (the only thing they'll sit & watch) with "Nana Patty".

Today, we went to the Humane Society. Like me, my mom is also obsessed with animals. I want a kitten so bad! But we have 3 cats and 2 dogs so it's enough animals. Mary told me we could get a bunny next summer so I'm waiting on that. I'm such a child. LOL.

Oh well, I should be making dinner. Mary usually does most of the bed time routine so I'm stuck with bath, story time, and back rubs too.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Random Thoughts for a Friday

It's already Friday - how did this happen? I'm trying to get a million things done which includes finally making a real switch from summer to winter clothes. I think the random 80 degree days are finally over. Of course, the boys stuff has been done but now I have to actually think about myself. I have the kids stuff organized so much better.

As for the weekend, the only plan is my mom's arrival on Sunday. Yay Mama!!! I haven't seen my mom since she moved to Ohio so it should be fun. She's here 'til next Saturday. Mary leaves for a biz trip first thing on Monday and she gets back Thursday night.

C1 knows that my mom is a total push over and uses no discipline so hopefully he will behave and not take advantage of this. I'm sure he'll be off his rocker with Mary being away. God forbid you change something from his normal routine.

Oh well, at least I'll have my mom here. The plan was originally to put them in respite which of course now I'm thinking, why didn't we? The first time we used respite, they were with a very strange family. We had talked to the woman the week before and since our kids are so unstable had her meet them before we just dropped them off at her house for almost a week.

Anywho, she talked about a previous placement and how her and her daughters had gotten so attached and that she still tries to see them. I thought it must have been so hard and she must've had the placement for a really long time, like a year or so. Nope, about 2 months. It was def a lil' crazy to me. The boys have lived with us for nearly 8 months and as much as I love them, as a foster parent, I know if they went back to their mom or someone else that would be the end of seeing them. You've gotta let go lady! She also had the boys calling her "mom". Umm, we don't even get that sort of respect after all the time and effort we've put into the kids. Maybe a lil' bit of jealousy there but whatever, she was crazy.

O.k., why did I get into this? Oh yeah, when we called for respite, that's where they were gonna go. She also lives over an hour from here so wouldn't have been able to bring them to their apptmts or pre-school so we were going to have to reschedule everything. So we decided against respite and now my mom is coming in to help me.

A major reason I lean towards not adopting them is Mary often takes biz trips and C1 and C2 just aren't manageable by one person for an extended period of time. I have serious anxiety when I know I'm going to be managing them by myself. Mary has scaled down her travel since we got the boys but now she has at least one trip per month for the next 3-4 months.

Oh well, it's raining like CRAZY here. I was waiting for it to settle down so I could head out to the grocery store but it doesn't look like that's happening any time soon.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Holding Therapy

We are starting some holding therapy with C1. It's amazing to see the difference in C1 and C2. C2 is extremely loving and cuddly. C1 is NOT. C2 is always asking me to hold him and giving me random hugs. I'll get an occasional amount of affection from C1 but it is rare and most of the time if you ask for a hug, he'll say NO which can be embarrassing.

Last time we had our babysitter here, when I was leaving I asked C2 for a hug & a kiss and he ran up to me with open arms and a big smile. C1 on the other hand screamed "NO!" when I asked him. Luckily, the babysitter is also C1s pre-school teacher so she knows his issues and I've learned to not let it hurt my feelings.

Anywho, holding therapy has been proven helpful in a lot of cases of autism and in our case attachment disorder. Mary was holding him this morning and I had to feel a little bit bad for the kid. He was so visibly uncomfortable. With this, we've also decided to do "time in" instead of "time out". That part, I'm not so sure of but Mary suggested it and I figured it couldn't hurt to try.

We were hesitant in doing the holding therapy since we are still on the adoption fence. But we figure, it's more important for him to have the ability to attach than worrying about him attaching too much to us (if we decide against adopting).

On the TTC front, I think I've decided to push my clomid back just one day and take it days 4-8. That way I can potentially push my ovulation to a week day but not go so much against doctors order of days 3-7. I also came to the conclusion that I really don't want to skip this cycle but if it's unsuccessful I will definitely be heading to a fertility clinic for more monitoring and most likely injectibles.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

*silence* and the usual fertility rant

A lame day but a beautiful one. The kids were finally back at pre-school/day care! Sweet! The *silence* was glorious.

I spent most of the day finishing up the data entry project. Now that I'm pretty much finished with that, we've agreed that I can look for at least a temp job. It will suck for Mary since she'll have to deal with the kids schedule. But the extra money wouldn't hurt and I wouldn't mind talking to people that are above the age of 3. So I will look for one after next week (when Mary's away and my mom's in town).

I also took some time looking into other fertility options around here...or rather, in Maine. The closest stuff is in Portland which is over 2 hours away but I'm willing to make the drive.

My dr isn't really monitoring me at all. She hasn't checked my hormone levels and she's also not doing reg ultrasounds. The norm is to check a few times before insem'ing (to make sure the timing is good) and to check before starting a round of clomid (to make sure there are no cysts which clomid can cause). Hormone levels should also be checked to make sure there is a good balance to achieve pregnancy.

If I decide to use a fertility clinic this time around it would mean skipping a cycle since I doubt I'd be able to get things going within 10 days. Unfortunately, I need to make the decision soon since I definitely don't want to take the clomid if I'm not inseming.

I also debated taking clomid on days 5-9 instead of 3-7. The norm is to take it on 3-7 or 5-9 but my dr suggested 3-7 (and this is what I did last cycle). It would also be nice to push my ovulation a few days out so I wouldn't worry about it falling on a weekend or a Monday when my dr only sees patients up 'til noon. Mary thinks I should run this by the doctor which of course I don't want to because it will be a process of phone tag and the staff being confused. Of course, I'm not a doctor but I feel as far as this insemination process goes I know more than my doctor and definitely more than her incompetent staff. Oh well, it's frustrating.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

the's ALMOST over

In the midst of the severe pain that is my period, I figured I'd blog. I usually dose up on advil for 3-4 days before my period to alleviate some of the upcoming pain. Of course, this can't be done during ttc times. Just another thing that sucks about this entire process. *I know you guys really want to know*

Yet again, I got to deal with the idiotness that is my gyn's office. Last month, I had my pos OPK on day 13. Day 13 falls on a Sunday this time. Since last month's 24 hours after the positive didn't work, I was hoping to have my IUI on the day of the pos. But of course, they are clueless and are all, "you just need to wait for the pos OPK". Ummm, but what if that falls on the weekend??? HELLO?!?!

As predicted, the weekend was pretty lame. Saturday we went to a playground & had a picnic. Sunday we went to the forest. Yesterday was totally lame, the weather was disgusting, wet, and cold so we just stayed in. And today, I brought C2 to therapy and have spent the remainder of the time with a heating pad. Luckily, Mary is being sweet and has been looking after the kids most of the day. We also had more drama with our sewer pump having to re-dig it up again to have it fixed AGAIN. This time it was a rock in the motor. Lovely. Hopefully this doesn't become a weekly thing.

Officially Negative

I am officially NOT pregnant. On to next cycle. I now have to deal with my gyn's office again. It looks like if I repeat last cycle's OPK positive day it will be on a Sunday. We were thinking the timing was too late last time so we're hoping to insem on the day of the of the pos. Unfortunately, my ovulation doesn't work on a Mon-Fri schedule so I'm hoping my gyn will be flexible to come in on the weekend.

This sucks. I am bummed that I had such high hopes after my clear HSG test last month, the clomid, and IUI. Aside from being sad about the entire process, I'm now angry I have to deal with this sh*t all over again. F*ck F*ck F*ck. *pardon my language* Since the kids are STILL home, I can do nothing but type swear words.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Mary made me do it!

Did a prego test this morning - negative :-( There is still a teency weency bit of hope that I may have tested too early but I'm doubting it.

Oh well, weekend is dragging. More on that later, about to enjoy some hot chocolate with Mary while the kids are napping - it is FREEZING here.

Friday, October 5, 2007

it's going to be a LONG one.

It's going to be a VERY VERY long weekend. Aside from being on edge since I'm nearing the end of my tww, the boys are going to be home for FOUR days. Monday is a holiday and then their schools have some sort of training on Tuesday. I'm not sure I'm going to make it through. We tried to get respite (where the boys go to stay with another foster family) for the weekend. Of course when Mary mentioned respite I had dreams of lunching by the coast and sleeping in but those were quickly destroyed since the woman in charge of respite had "no luck".

We also have absolutely no plans. I was telling Mary we needed to come up with something, otherwise it's really going to drag a** & we're going to end up getting frustrated with the boys. When kids are entertained, things go a lot more smooth. I guess we should've saved Acadia for this weekend, maybe we'll venture over to Camden.

I had all these errands to run today but I'm skipping them since it's my last day of sanity. I'm still working on the data entry project so trying to do some of that too. Oh well, I guess I'll finally shower so I can go get some lunch.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Peter and Pregnancy

A pretty lame day. The boys had their visit. I'm always ultra-annoyed on these days. Drop off and pick up went fine, the new place is SO much better but bio mom just irritates me. I was doing good until C2 pee'd his pants on the way home. Bio mom really should have him go potty before he gets in the car. At 2, he doesn't have the biggest bladder around.

Besides C2 pee'ing, C1 & C2 argued on the way home about which place they liked better, the "old place" or the "new place" they visit bio mom. They also argued about who's bed "Peter" was going to sleep in during nap time.

As of this morning, C1 has an imaginary friend named "Peter". Peter is a "strong girl". okie dokie. I knew it was only a matter of time before he had an imaginary friend. He kept talking to himself a lot lately and I'd say "what?" and his response would be "I'm talking to myself!". geesh. Anywho, now he has Peter to talk to and me and Mary are relieved that Peter is a "good girl". We were worried he'd come up with an evil imaginary friend that he could blame everything on.

On the tww front, ANXIETY. The am I pregnant or am I not pregnant is finally making me CRAZY. I don't want to do deal with this crap again next cycle. And Mary keeps pressuring me to test even though I'm dead set on waiting until I'm late.

I think she's freaking out about putting another thousand into baby making again next month. She was trying to make light of the financial pressure since we would just try again next month. But then we just had to pay for the sewer repair and we decided to buy my mom a plane ticket so she can visit in a few weeks. Oh well, I will continue to try NOT to obsess.

Off to be busy or something. I wish I could take an advil with a glass of wine.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Eyes and Sewer Pumps

Today I have C1 home. He had play therapy first thing this morning and then an eye apptmt. His eye appointment was about an hour away but only lasted about 15 minutes since it was to check his new glasses. Seemed like kind of a waste.

He has a wandering eye so his glasses help to refocus it. The dr had mentioned to Mary last time that the glasses can eventually fix the eye. I asked him about this and he said, oh yeah, it will probably be fixed when he's 11 or 12. What? I was hoping for like 4. The glasses are adorable but it's definitely not easy keeping glasses on a 3 yr old. He's constantly breaking them. We had hoped he could have a surgery to correct the problem but with his certain eye condition, he can't have surgery to fix it. So unfortunately we're stuck with the glasses.

Afterwards, we stopped at McD's as a special treat. It was ridiculously packed so I was getting some anxiety about C1 playing with the other kids. But he actually did very well and was playing nice. Still bossing kids around but not being rough. And when I was ready to leave, he didn't argue with me about it. *phew*

Our sewer pump saga continued into today. We had a worker here yesterday for hours and then Mary digging too with no success of even finding the pump. The guy thought that maybe one of the boys had flushed a toy car down the toilet which would block up the system. This wouldn't surprise us since a few weeks ago they shoved one up the vaccum.

So today, someone came that had some sort of locator and was able to dig it up. They found baby wipes to be clogging it up. Baby wipes? So weird. We're thinking it still must have been one of the boys since we definitely don't flush wipes. Oh well, at least it's solved.

We had a long night and morning with not being able to use much water or flush the toilets. We ended up going to Pizza Hut (gross) for dinner. I was not impressed. Oh well, C1 is napping and I'm finally allowed to use the shower. Sweet! ;-)

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Dig My Grave

I have C2 home with me. He had play therapy this morning and that went well, of course, since he's normal and even C1s play therapy goes well. Can you tell I love the therapist?

I was super hoping to take a nap when he did. I'm SO tired! But of course, my life seems to work against me lately. This morning, we had some random alarm going off. Apparently it's for some septic pump thing. The guy shows up and tries to fix it and then says the pump will need to be dug up. He started digging but of course can't find it.

Mary stopped home to get C1s car seat on her way back from a meeting. So now she is trying to dig up the pump since 2 people digging is better than 1. It seems totally crazy though, just randomly digging especially in our ridiculously rocky soil.

Now she's home doing manual labor and a random guy is here so I can't nap.

Plus, there's so much noise with the tree digging in the neighborhood. We live in a new neighborhood to begin with so there's generally a lot of noise. I was hoping that since 3 new houses just finished that we'd be done with construction for the season. UGH.


Oh well, off to work on my data entry project until C2 wakes up. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

1/2 way there!

So I'm a week through my two week wait. All I can say is, it never gets easier!!!
I am trying not to obsess over every lil' "symptom" since I always do and I'm always not pregnant so then I feel like a crazy person.

I can test next Tuesday though I'm thinking I should wait until I'm a few days late. Of course, knowing my luck, I'll be late and it will be the Clomid messing up my cycle. I usually get my period a day or 2 early when I'm in a tww, I guess my body letting me out of all the anxiety. Once I was a week or so late during a ttc time. I took probably a million pregnancy tests all showing I was NOT pregnant but of course it still made me crazy that my period hadn't showed up.

And if you let internet searches be your pregnancy test, you're sure to be pregnant. So needless to say, I'm avoiding all that. I'm also avoiding soy *mostly*, caffeine, and of course alcohol. I recently heard that soy can prevent implantation which sucks. I am not a soy addict but I drink soy milk and since I'm a mostly vegetarian, I sometimes eat the fake chicken and crap like that. So it's all healthy eating and prenatal vitamins for me.

The only glory in getting a negative is having a soy chai, a glass of wine and going out for sushi :-) *of course not all together - I only drink Sapporo with my sushi* ;-) It has been easier this ttc time with avoiding those things since Mary is doing the same (well except for soft cheese). I think she was mad that I said I didn't think she'd be able to go w/out alcohol and caffeine when she starts trying. But she says she's trying to reduce her stress/anxiety by avoiding alcohol and caffeine. Either way, its nice to not have to be jealous over wine and caffeine.

Of course, these are all VERY SMALL prices to pay for growing a healthy baby but annoying to do when in fact you may not even be pregnant.

Monday, October 1, 2007

the continuation of the tree drama

The tree drama continues. This morning, Georgia was barking at someone as usual. I looked out to see a public works worker spray painting MORE stuff in the street about the trees.

This prompted me to email public works. I figured an email was better than me calling and sounding b*tchy. I got a response not too long after telling me it was probably fine to refuse and that when I planted trees to plant them so they lined up with the other trees on the street. I have no problem with that, my problem with the location is more a left to right thing than an up and down thing.

So now I have an email into the forester to see if Magnolias are an approved tree and if not, what is?

They started digging in our neighbors yard (I was surprised they didn't start with the last house). I feel bad since she just paid 10K on landscaping including all new sod for her lawn (this stuff is not easy or cheap to come by in Maine). They have a huge machine digging these tree holes and they ripped some of the sod out. Now they made a huge hole in her yard and there's no tree in sight.

After I saw that, I went out and told them to at least skip us for now and they agreed. Now I have to deal with Mary who's keen on the idea of free trees and better yet free digging. If I can pick the trees and where they're gonna go, I'm all for free.

One thing about buying a house vs. a condo was being able to do our own thing. This is lame.