Sunday, September 30, 2007

a GOOD weekend :-)

We had 2 beautiful days of weather over the weekend. Nice and sunny but cool. Saturday we went for a walk in the forest (yes, this is Maine). Saturday night was date night, we had our babysitter "T". We love her! She is actually C1s pre-school teacher so it's great that he already knows her and C2 loves her too, he's not even shy when he first sees her.

Mary and I went out for Thai food and to see Brave One starring Jodie Foster. It was good but way too graphic for me. Mary's way more into the shoot 'em up movies and I like comedies or just "nice" movies. LOL. Anywho, Jodie Foster is such a lesbian.

Today we went over to Acadia Nat'l Park. It was such a great day for it. I was hoping to see some foliage but not many of the leaves have turned over there. It was surprising since it's not far from here where everything has turned.

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But we had lots of fun anyways - Acadia is gorgeous! We finally got up to Cadillac Mountain (driving, of course) and the boys LOVED Sand Beach. We also had a picnic - a lot easier than trying to manage a restaurant with the boys.

It was a great weekend and now I am soooooooo tired, I hope I can stay awake for the premiere of Desperate Housewives.

Friday, September 28, 2007

C2 is normal - is this the same kid?

C2 had his developmental wrap-up today since we retested him recently and he scored average to above average in all areas. The first time he tested he was ridiculously below average in ALL areas of development. So today I got to hear from professionals that I've done "an amazing job with C2".

The effects of environment are amazing. We really thought he had serious developmental problems but with some one on one care and activities to stimulate his brain, he is well within his age range after being nearly 12 months behind. It was also nice to see clear results that it was a good thing for me to sacrifice my life and give up my massage space to stay home with him for 6 months.

I complain about the kids A LOT. Coupled with their intensive schedule and C1s increasing list of psychological/behavioral problems, it's tough to look past all the negatives.

But I do definitely have a bond with C2. He is the cutest cuddly kid ever. He'll just randomly run up and hug you. He'll dance with me and look at clothing catalogs with me. We bought his Halloween costume today and he said, "it's a little bit cute". LOL. Where did he come up with that?

Anywho, after the developmental conclusion, we went to see Ratatouille. His first movie and he actually made it through the entire thing. I'm sure letting him eat half a bag of popcorn (Mary and I are the snack police so this is quite the rare thing) helped as bribery.

Oh, I do miss the days when he was home though don't get me wrong, I LOVE having preschool/daycare there so i can get some "me time".

Thursday, September 27, 2007

The Crazy "System"

We had our heart-to-heart with the caseworker on Monday. It really annoyed me because at one point she said "when you adopt the boys". I said, "if we adopt the boys".

She was trying to get us to go back to the crazy system we had with coordinating visits with the boys great-grandmother. This nearly put us both in the nut house when we did this originally. We also were very close to asking for the boys to be moved because of all we were going through with the bio family breathing down our throats.

C1's "beahviors" also flare up after visits with extended family, being at their worst when he sees great-grandmother. He also used to fake illnesses. Every Saturday when she'd take them which was going to be for 4 hours, she called 2 hours later to say C1 was crying about an ear infection. Once he was home, suddenly he was fine and not even mentioning his ears. And we'd say come at 9 and she'd come at 9:40 or whenever she got around to picking them up. That's not how this works, lady.

Needless to say, we said NO. The caseworker seemed to go along but then we got some "you should do it" from the therapist. And she only wants us to do it because it will make us look better as an adoptive family, that judges like to see contact with the bio family. F*ck that.

We're pretty much not willing to adopt them if we have to keep bio family contact or lie and say we will. At this time, we definitely don't think it's in the boys' best interest and definitely not in ours. These kids also have an extremely large extended family that wants to see them at their convenience. If we let the great-grandmother see them, the other great-grandmother will want to see them, along with the grandfather, grandmother, and aunts and uncles.

For a moment, we considered her seeing C2. Since C2 had lived with her for about a year, C1 only a couple of months, and she clearly only wants to see C2. In fact, once on the phone she told me, "C2 is the one I really miss". C2 is the least f*ct up out of this situation so why do things that may potentially f*ck him up??? His biggest problem is transitions: visits, school, we decided against this.

The only good thing that came out of our meeting was venting about the schedule. Since they are officiall pursuing termination of parental rights, they cut their mom's visits from 8 hours to 5 hours but still spread them out over 2 days. Hello!?! That makes no difference to us or the boys. We asked for them to be cut down to 1 day/week since we are overwhelmed with their schedule. 2 visits, 2 therapies, dr's apptmts, court, and team meetings. Plus, their trying to convince us
to re-add the great-grandmother's visits. AAAAH!!! BUT we are relieved to have only one bio mom visit now and it will only be 4 hours and they're at a much better organized location. I think this is also better for the boys since after termination they'll have no visits, so it went from 2 to 1 and then zero instead of 2 to zero.

Oh well, off to think about something else.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Day 1 of Waiting

Well, the wait is on and I feel pretty good. I'm trying not to obsess over the fact I could be pregnant. I have had more pain than I thought I would post IUI but it seems to be subsiding. I usually feel some pain from ovulation so maybe it was the other egg popping out. Whatever, I'm not obsessing ;-)

It's been a lazy day. The only thing I've done is bring the cryotank to FedEx and make a few phone calls. We weren't able to get our fuel for the house delivered yesterday because we had left Chloe out in the yard in the a.m. *oops* so I had to deal with scheduling that.

I was going to call a temp agency to find some work but Mary said not to. I was doing this contract job for Harvard. Basically, just data entry from home. They already paid me a flat fee (and a very nice on at that) but there hasn't been much to do. Now she says there will be a decent project in the next few weeks. It's definitely easier to work from home because I can deal with the dogs and the kid stuff.

Anywho, I feel exhausted today. It is SO hot here, it's draining. It's literally 90 degrees right now. I've tried to stay downstairs in the family room since the upstairs of our house is like an oven. I love the heat but I'm getting sick of the up and down temps. One day it's 60s and then it's 80s.

Oh well, I'm off to shower in attempts to cool myself down.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Another funny one

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!

You knew we could dance...

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!

Totally ripped off from another blog but it's too funny not to poste

Insems are DONE

Insems are ALL done - yay!!!! I have my fingers crossed that they are done forever. I'm not even pregnant and already I want my body back. LOL.

Ultrasound showed one egg had been released and one looked like it could potentially be released in time. Hopefully this results in ONE baby :-)

After out meeting with the caseworker, we cancelled bio mom's visit for today too so Mary was able to come with me. It's definitely more comfortable to have her with me in this entire *crazy* process. Plus, she is going to be a parent of the baby so it's her duty even if she's not the one being poked and prodded. ;-)

Oh well, I'm going to rest now since I've been up since 4 a.m. *couldn't sleep*

Monday, September 24, 2007

Insemination and Donor Semen 101

Most of you reading this blog are probably my friends and straight. So the entire process of insemination may be completely foreign for you. Lets start with the basics. As a lesbian couple, we went with the option of anonymous donor semen from a sperm bank located in California. There are a few banks to choose from and some people also go the method of a "known donor" meaning a man is willing to provide them with fresh semen.

Then there is ordering. I wanted to order an ICI sample and an IUI sample. ICI (intracervically) is as is, not "washed". When sperm travels through your bits, it is "washed" on its own, taking away all the gross stuff (not a medical term) and leaving only the sperm to swim to the egg. The ICI sample can be inserted vaginally or into your cervix (if you can find it). An IUI sample on the other hand is "washed" and is safe to insert into or as close as you can get to the uterus. This is usually done by a medical professional though some have tried it on their own...I'm not naming names ;-)

Needless to say, after you go through ordering which includes calling with your customer number and mother's maiden name, you give the donor number, height, weight, hair color, eye color, race and blood type. The shipment is then shipped via FedEx.

The pricing breaks down into
ICI Vial $340
IUI Vial $420
Shippping $220 (we paid extra for Saturday deliver, shipping is normally $195)

It arrives in a brown box - that usually looks like this is the 100th time it's been used. At our house, you'll probably find a cat on it.
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In it, you'll find a lovely cryotank
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wow, I actually have cleavage in this pic...and I'm not pulling a Michael Jackson look, the glove is because the stuff is FREEZING (like burn your hand freezing).

And what's inside that cryotank? Well, aside from liquid nitrogen (to keep it frozen), spermies!
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yup, that's what a frozen vial of sperm looks like. you expected more? my first time, I did too.

Since we are doing both an ICI and IUI, the ICI is done first since the sperm not only lives longer but is traveling a further distant. The IUI needs to be done as close as possible to ovulation since you're putting it close to the eggies and it can only live up to 24 hours due to it being washed or whatever.

Anywho, Our home insem is over, as usual it turned into National Lampooon's Insemination. I'm glad I'm having a professional one tomorrow a.m. and hopefully the ultrasound will show good things.

insems and therapy

I have my IUI scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. *fingers crossed* Because of the boys schedule, Mary won't be able to go with me. I'm kind of bummed but I kind of figured this would happen since it is extremely difficult for us to be in the same place at the same time WITHOUT the boys.

We'll do the at home ICI later today, probably after our meeting with the caseworker. I'm sure I won't be stressed or anything. LOL.

I also had to cancel my therapy apptmt for today and this is probably when I need it. LOL. Yes, I'm in therapy to deal with living in Maine, C1, and being unsucessful at getting prego. My therapist is like 80 years old and I totally don't feel comfortable talking to her about "gay stuff" but she has been a great resource in venting my C1 issues esp since she used to do play therapy with children.

Breakdown by 8 a.m.

POS OPK this morning. Called dr's office but they don't open until 9.

Then the caseworker who was supposed to come by this morning for a quick check of the boys, calls to schedule an emergency meeting. Nobody in the family wants the boys but the great-grandmother wants to have a relationship with us so she can see them. We tried this before, she over stepped her boundries *an understatement* and it did NOT work.

We meet with the caseworker at 12 to discuss. It's going to be difficult since me and Mary are still at opposite ends of the adoption spectrum. I'm NO she's YES. UGH.

All this before 8 a.m. I think I'll go have a breakdown.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

The Crowded Fair

We went to this fair today that's put on by Maine Organic Farmers. The fair could be really cool but it was way TOO crowded.

Mary also made this executive decision to not bring the stroller. Taken it is hard to push and it was some rocky terrain (ya know, not paved roads), it still would've been helpful.

C2 does NOT like to walk and when he walks, it's slower than molasses. When we take him places that involve walking w/out the stroller, I usually end up carrying him. He's over 35 pounds now so it's not exactly a good time. When we had to park about a mile away, I knew it was going to be a BAD idea.

I will say one thing about our chitlins, in public, they are better behaved than almost any other child. They know we don't take any sh*t and if they pull a fit over something, we're out of there immediately. Since we've done our fair share of leaving places, we now have 2 well behaved children in public.

We're in line and some little girl is throwing a fit and her parents are just catering to it. You haven't paid to get in yet, do you really want to take this child in?

Anywho, my favorite part was all the livestock including alpacas, goats, horses, and bunnies. Luckily, Mary didn't cave in to me begging for her to buy me a blue eyed bunny (there were like a million bunnies for sale). The last thing we need is another pet but I have an addiction. LOL.

Unfortunately, everything else was not enjoyable because you were trying to get through masses of people and food lines were INSANE. We got the boys some smoothies and realized AFTER we paid, they didn't come with straws because "straws aren't biodegradable". I wasn't sure the plastic coated cup they were in was either. Needless to say, I'm all about "green" stuff but don't sell me a smoothie w/out telling me I'm not getting a straw. So we had quite the adventure trying to have the kids drink smoothies w/out straws (a feat difficult even for someone that knows how to drink out of a cup).

Oh well, I'm looking forward to tomorrow which involves the kids going to preschool/daycare and me being ALONE :-) I definitely value my alone time which has been non-existent over the past 5 days.

Saturday, September 22, 2007


A long day and it's still not over. Just when I though C1 may actually be getting better, we've had a roller coaster of a week with another major tantrum today. What started off as a simple time out for throwing a toy car, turned into an 1.5 hour flip out. Lovely.

Usually between Mary and I (usually Mary), we are able to deal with him and not be at the end of our rope. Right now, we're both at the end of our rope and neither one is up to dealing with him. We are tired of walking on eggshells with him and the tension he creates in this house, we're at the just let it be easy point. We're done.

Next time we need to remind ourselves to return from a trip when day care is open the next day. It's going to be a long weekend.

Anywho, I am happy about NOT having a pos OPK today. I am hoping for one tomorrow or Monday so we will just wait and see.

Friday, September 21, 2007

I'll plant my own trees, thank you very much

We come home to see our front lawn "staked" along with all of our neighbors. The town has decided to plant trees on OUR property....that we own, that we pay the mortgage for.

We plan on landscaping the front next year since all our money went into our fence and putting trees in our backyard this year. What if we had already planted trees? Would they just add other random trees? This is so weird to me.

Mary also thinks they'll be Japanese Maples since the older subdivision we're attached to has them. I think Japanese Maples are very pretty but they do NOT go with our house and I had already had a lovely vision of planting Magnolia trees. I'm so annoyed by this.

UGH, I hope I'll be home when they come to plant them and can refuse this some how. It's my house, I'll decide what trees go up and where they go.

Back from Beantown

The gang is home and I am SO tired. I definitely had an enjoyable trip but we stayed at a crappy hotel and with my mom not living in Boston anymore, we didn't get any time away from the boys. So a lot of the things I enjoy about Boston like good restaurants and taking nice walks were missed. But I did have a really good time.

As planned, we met up with Melissa and her son Jackson on Wednesday. It's amazing at how much he has grown in a year. And he's definitely a quick lil' guy, already walking and like really walking, not that crazy baby walk that's more like a wobble. C1 was very well-behaved there which was somewhat surprising. He actually thought lil Jackson was funny rather than seeing him as some sort of competition or something smaller to hurt (which was my fear). He did later say that J was loud and hurt his ears...I was like, now you know how I feel!!!! LOL.

C2 was actually worse because not only did he "not have his listening ears on" but has an "ownership" over me so he gave Jackson some looks of death and at one point blocked me from him. I should figured this since he did the exact same thing when we were in Florida with my niece Cheyanne. Chey-Chey always hangs all over me when we're down there but C2 was not having that.

The next day I got to head down to see baby Benjamin. So ridiculously cute and tiny. I was amused that Connie thinks he's "big" since he's now 8 lbs. hehehe. Anywho, he's seriously cute and his parents despite being sleep deprived are obviously smitten with him.

That night, we got to meet my friend Alison in the park. The boys showed a lil' bit more of their true colors. I think behaving so much the previous day, they were done. I did have to somewhat basque in the glory of Mary not being super mom since when I got back from seeing Baby Ben, she begged me to let her go "out" for a while. LOL. See, it's not so easy to manage C1 and C2 on your own.

Anywho, we headed back in the a.m., stopping at Chuck E. Cheese to break up the trip. I wish it was closer! It was finally a place that I could have fun and the kids could have fun. Of course, Mary and I took turns watching the kids and having a competition on the basketball game. It was a 3 game series with us tying the first 2 and then me wooping her but in the 3rd round. Like seriously, even I didn't know I was that good. LOL.

In other news, the spermies arrive tomorrow and I was relieved to not have a pos OPK today. This would be the worst day for it. I have my fingers crossed for a pos on Sunday so I can get an IUI on Monday. *wishful thinking*

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Donor 2500

One last post before I finally finish packing.

The sperm is ORDERED and there is $980 worth of pressure on me to get prego this cycle. Actually, about $1370 if you count the price of clomid, the HSG test, and the potential IUI. It will arrive on Saturday.

I gave Mary the executive decision on the donor so lets hope it pays off. She usually makes better decisions that I do anyways. Lets just hope the staff impression that the donor is "very attractive" is correct and that my baby doesn't have huge ears and isn't one of those blonde babies that doesn't have hair until they're like 3 years old. LOL. I'm so shallow and terrible.


Monday, September 17, 2007

Boston, hear I come!!!

We leave for Boston this afternoon. Yay!!!!! My doggies already headed to the kennel a lil' while ago *sad for them*. Georgia usually hides under the bed but this time she didn't realize and jumped right in the car. Oh, they love riding in the car, just not to the kennel. Anywho, I'm definitely craving some Boston and if the boys are well behaved, it should be a fun trip.

As well as meeting baby Ben, I'll also get to see my friend Melissa and her son Jackson. I haven't been able to catch up with her on my last two visits so it should be a lot of fun. Jackson just turned 1 so we will be representing ages 1, 2, & 3. It will be funny to see all the differences of all the BOYS. It should be CRAZY.

I definitely miss living in Boston and regret the decision to move to Maine. But it is nice that we are driving distance and can now "vacation" there. It will also be kind of weird since this is the first time I'll be in Boston since my mom moved to Ohio. Usually, when we bring the boys down we spend most of the time playing at "Nana Patty's". C2 is pretty obsessed with her and as much as I've tried to explain that Nana Patty no longer lives in Boston when he realizes we're not going to see her, he'll probably have melt down.

Oh well, I'm off to get some last minute things ready and finish packing for 3 people.

And I still need to order the sperm...we've had a last minute freak out since the donor I had in mind doesn't have any ICI vials (we were ordering 1 IUI and 1 ICI). Now Mary wants to go with a different donor but he doesn't have a baby pic available & his facial features say he has big ears which scares me. He's also blond and even though Mary's blond, I had kind of decided against using a blond donor. Since I'm carrying the baby, I want the baby to look like me.

the international adoption rant

From my previous post, it stirred up why I was annoyed with this girl in the first place.

Originally, this girl popped up in the adoption forum and mentinoed wanting to look into adopting from the Ukraine, possibly an older child. Obviously, her and her partner quickily changed this since a few months later they are pregnant. Needless to say, it was a forum on adoption so I mentioned that the foster care system is an option for people looking to adopt.

Her response was I don't like people telling me what to do. WHAT??? Umm, I was merely mentioning that the foster system is an option for people looking to adopt.

I didn't get into how I have mixed feelings on the international adoption trend and that my wife is strongly against it all together. I just thought I'd mention the option for anyone reading the board.

A lot of people don't think of adopting in the u.s. Because international adoption is so popular now, it's actually a lot easier to adopt an infant in the u.s. with shorter waiting times than ever before.

But people say, oh there's no babies in the u.s. Babies?!? I've never seen a 2 day old infant come off a plane from China or Guatamela. By the time these children are adopted, they're most likely a toddler.

I'm definitely not pro foster care, in fact I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone. However, if one is thinking of adopting an older child from abroad, why aren't they looking in the u.s. first? There are plenty of children available for straight adoption.

There's this false impression that if you adopt internationally, the kids don't have the problems that kids in the u.s. have. They do! But most likely, you're not going to know about them until you've spent $25,000 to adopt them and they're living in your house.

It's also a complicated situation when you're gay because you have to work with an agency that is willing to lie for you (since no country allows gay people to adopt) and find a country that will let one of you adopt as a single parent.

Others may think if they adopt outside of the u.s., there's no chance that later they'll have to deal with a bio relative. Internationally adopted children may still want to look for relatives especially if they look in the mirror everyday and see that they're a different nationality than the parents that raised them. Unfortunately, for them, it may be a more frustrating process since they'll have to navigate a system in a foreign country. That foreign country, being one where they were conceived, birthed, and cared for during their early life.

Is it better to give an ethiopian girl a chance at a good life or an abandoned black girl from the u.s.? Of course, it's a good thing either way but I don't want the excuse that children or babies aren't available in the u.s. because they are!

Having a baby ain't cheap

I follow this message board for lesbians trying to conceive. One of the lesbian couples that I dislike *it's a long story* is pregnant AND to top it off, it's only their second try. They also only tried at home and didn't do any tracking before hand. It's so weird how people's luck at this ttc game can be so different. It's a total crap shoot which is a why I hate it. I'm annoyed and bitter.

I think Mary's freaking out since I'm placing the sperm order today. She wanted to skip this month but I put my foot down. Hopefully I'm right and we don't just waste $980 in sperm costs. There's no pressure or anything *yeah right*.

We also got a bill for the HSG test for 50% of the cost. Apparently, our insurance company covers 50% of infertility costs. Mary was kind of bitter that they only covered 1/2, I was elated since I was worried they wouldn't cover any. Paying $300 is definitely better than $600.

Oh well, I am busy preparing for a our trip tomorrow. We don't leave until late in the afternoon but I'll have C2 home since has play therapy late in the morning. He's in play therapy merely for integrating him into C1's sessions. C2 doesn't seem to have any issues where he'd need it so it's kind of annoying but whatever.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Going Pickin'

We had a fun day today going to an orchard/farm for apple picking and pumpkin picking. We decided to skip the corn maze since last year, Mary and I could barely manage it on our own. I had visions of losing the chitlins' in it.

C2 requested a "big, big punkin" (yes, it's punkin, not so that's exactly what we got. We also got a green one.

I think I have FINALLY trained the kids to somewhat pose for pictures so I got some really good ones today. Yay! I'm definitely all about taking pics' especially now that we have the boys so it's nice to have some decent ones of them.

Late in the day, before dinner, C1 threw a major fit when we told him to apologize for accidentally slamming C2's hand in the toy box. He said "no!" so we put him in his room for time out and he proceeded to go ballistic, punching & kicking his door, and screaming bloody murder. Oh, what our neighbors must think.

He has since calmed down but is going to bed w/out bath and stories as punishment since his tantrum went on for 40 minutes. Oh well, at least most of the day was fun and the weather was absolutely gorgeous :-)

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Clomid + Timing = Baby :-)

I'm officially on a fertility drug. I started the clomid last night. My "side effects" seem to be from other stuff so hopefully it will stay that way. Of course I'm obsessing over every lil' thing. It's going to be a LONG THREE WEEKS (clomid and the wait for pregnancy or period).

I was definitely irritable earlier. Though it was Mary's turn to sleep in so I hit the ground running: taking the dogs out, getting the kids up, making breakfast for everyone except me, and entertaining them until she rolled out of bed. C1 was also not listening to anything I was telling him to do or not to do *shocking* and kept being rude. I was trying to be extra nice and be very interactive but I guess it's just one of his bad days or rather bad days with me.

Mary did give me a break by taking the kids to the museum after their nap since I was getting irritated and also needed to do some errands.

Then I had some crazy hot flash tonight. Though as soon as I got home from shopping, Mary mentioned the kids wanting to eat. It was make your own pizza night so I had to get everything together for that and be around a very hot oven. Then I decided they should make cookies while their pizzas cooked. Once we sat down, I got to toggle between cutting pizzas and getting the cookies cooked. Dinner ain't easy. I started last week to eat dinner after everyone since Mary does their bath afterwards. I feel like a waitress so it's hard to enjoy dinner. Though then I felt like I was separating myself and C1 was getting anxiety from it "Cannee, why aren't you eatin?...Cannee, why won't you sit wit us?".

Oh well, another day in crazyville. Clomid #2 tonight. At least I'll only take it for 5 days and then it's supposed to magically make me a baby. Yeah, right. But combined with perfect timing for an insemination, it better :-)

Friday, September 14, 2007

Random Thoughts and Hope

Court this morning - caseworker finally presented termination of parents rights. It should happen in a few months. I feel like vomiting.

After our Boston trip, the kids visits will be moved to a new location. Just throw the kids for another loop of inconsistency.

Though I am somewhat relieved for this. As much as I like some of the staff where the visits have been, it's not a place for non-infants and the staff that I don't like hasn't done a good job in doing the supervision part of supervised visits.

I hope bio mom will stop filling the kids heads with false hopes and do the right thing by letting them go. As much as she is unfit, it's sad to see a mother fail like this. It's also hard to feel pity for her since she's had SO much time to get it together and has continually chosen drugs and random men over parenting. Expecting everyone else to pick up the pieces of the children she's scarred for life, expecting everyone to support her and provide services for her.

Of course, they're trying to pull relatives out of the wood work that could potentially take the kids - along with the great-grandomther (whom they've lived with previously), a crack head uncle, and the notorious "Great-Aunt D" is on the list (see post). We figured this would happen but it's really annoying that it's now when the kids have been in our care for nearly 7 months. Though we feel no relative has a standing chance, it's only to draw out the situation and delay stability for the boys.

Needless to say, when everything is said and done, I hope Mary and I can come to an adoption decision that is not only best for the children but best for both of us individually and as a couple.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

S to the T to the R to the E double S

Heard from the doc's office or rather nurse #2 (a/k/a jerk face #2). She was all, "do you know what an ovulation prediction kit is?". WTF?!? I wanted to scream as I said, "yes, of course". They want me to make sure I'm LH positive before coming in so to test in the a.m. and then call for an appointment. IF (I repeat IF) they have something available, I'll get in.

This is annoying because I really wanted an ultrasound to see where my follicles are at. And also I've heard that ovulation prediction can be difficult on clomid. I'm willing to pay for the ultrasound so wtf??? OY OY OY.

As I look at my ovulation chart, I see that I started charting May 4, 2006 - ugh, I can't believe this process has gone on so long. Mary just started charting last month. I'm ready to have my body out of this baby making venture.

In other news, court (in regards to the boys) is tomorrow. It should be a honky tonk white trash show and I have front row tickets. Yay.

I can already see that this is going to be a lovely stress free cycle, just perfect for achieving pregnancy *yeah right*

Having a Baby Just Ain't Easy

My IUI drama continues. I called my gyn this morning to hopefully have an easy time making an appointment.

The nurse (a/k/a jerk face) now has to talk the dr and see if she can o.k. it. She's all, "with the IUIs, you have to be patient and see what we have available". Ummm, "no b*tch, me having a baby or wasting $700 on sperm depends on this sh*t". Ugh.

Now I clearly remember why we've been doing home inseminations and not involving doctors. It's frustrating since in this area, there are no fertility clinics, I have to deal with a townie gyn and her schedule. Plus, when I talked to her about it, she acted like she would make availability (ya know, since my ovulation isn't flexible). Then her nurse has a stick up her bum. UGH UGH UGH.

Hopefully I'm over reacting and they can just schedule my apptmt. This entire process is ridiculous.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

stuff for ME :-)

I got my allowance (yes, I get an allowance - LOL) early this week so I went shopping in the a.m. Mostly clothes and I got the the new Kanye West CD - Graduation. I heart Kanye. It was pretty exciting to buy myself some stuff. Most everything I buy lately is for the chitlins or the house. I did try to buy myself sneakers last week. Then when I got home, I realized they were too big, so now they belong to Mary. Now I have me some new stuff :-)

Anywho, Mary left work early so we met for lunch at Olive Garden. Olive Garden is such a hot spot in town it's so crazy. I definitely enjoy it but I'm not obsessed with it like these crazy rural people are...basically, I refuse to wait more than 10 minutes. Luckily, we grabbed a few seats at the bar so didn't have to wait in the masses.

I have been stuck in traffic in town since there is a lot of road work being done. It SUCKS!!!! Being in traffic in Boston was worth it because 1 - it didn't happen very often since I usually used my feet or the T and 2 - Boston is a cool place to live. Neither one of those is true for my current location.

Beantown Trip

Yay!!! I'm going to Boston next week...o.k., not just me but me, Mary, and the chitlins. After much debate, we decided to bring the crazies. Mostly because it's last minute and probably too short notice for respite but also some peeps can hopefully meet them.

I'm also getting some time on my own to meet baby Benjamin. Yay!!! I can't wait. He's so teeny tiny and cute, Connie better watch out that I don't steal him ;-)

It's finally sort of sunny here. The last couple of days have been SO rainy, I had absolutely no energy. Mary and I are both so tired. She said she took a 2 hour nap in her car yesterday. Oh my. But at least now I know her secrets of going and going and going while making me feel inept. She's been napping in her car. LOL.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

a working computer

My computer is FINALLY working - the DSL to be exact. FINALLY!!!! i definitely prefer an actual computer "a/k/a desktop" to a laptop esp Mary's evil IBM laptop.

Monday, September 10, 2007

all clear in the tubes :-)

The HSG test showed that everything was o.k. Yay! I didn't tell the nurse that she gave me a mild heart attack, I was just relieved. I also didn't discuss my impending ultrasound and potential IUI.

I figure I will wait 'til the period actually arrives. If the ov is going to fall over the weekend it may be a lost cycle. Mary wants to be done with at home attempts, it's all medical from here on out. I'm hesitant to take clomid on a cycle that is going to be wasted since your first cycle on clomid is supposed to be the best. And why try to release more eggs if you're not even going to try to get prego?

I know you really wanted to know about my period

My lil' boy cat won't leave me alone. He keeps getting in my face & purring which is very cute but then he bites me. Now he's batting at my pony tail. Boys are crazy no matter the species.

I feel like karma with taking care of 2 boys and the fact that my 2 close friends have boys that I am destined to have a girl. I definitely want a baby girl so I can go crazy on pink and I hear they're MUCH easier *I like easy*. I'm also the last girl in the family including extended family. I'm 27!

Speaking of babies, my doctor's office left a cryptic message. I hate cryptic messages. Now I called her nurse/assistant whatever back and she's not in the office. I still haven't received the results from my HSG test but I figured no news was good news. Hopefully they are just being diligent and following up with the actual results and everything is clear.

I was going to delay in calling her back 'til tomorrow when my period should arrive. I want to schedule an ultrasound for day 12 since I'll be on the clomid. I have my fingers crossed that my period will hold out until Thursday. If I get a day 1 on Thursday, my day 12 will fall on a Monday which will be beautiful. *fingers crossed*

Not dealing with an actual fertility clinic, I am a prisoner to the schedule of week days. If my ovulation falls on the weekend, the cycle will most likely be down the drain.

I was delighted to pick up the clomid and it be under $25. I figured my insurance wouldn't cover it and when the pharmacist confirmed this with a look that to me said, do you really want to pay for this? $25 is a drop in the bucket with the $5,000+ we've already invested into having a baby. At this rate, we could've bought a baby.

O.k. the cat just literally pulled the hair tie out of my hair. Crazy BoBo.

This post was entirely random and I really should take a nap. I feel so tired today because we're having this yucky gloomy weather. I can never really wake up on days like this.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Weekend and a Couple Positive Things

Weekend was pretty uneventful. I was bummed to not make it down to a certain lil' boy's 1 year old party (I still can't believe he's one, it seems like I was just getting news of his birth). Anywho, Mary and I kept going back and forth with whether to go down to Mass for it.

If we were to decide to go down, we need a letter to leave the state with the boys so we left the caseworker a message on Tuesday. Well, she never called back. I love how her v/mail says she'll call back in 24 hours. Ummm, what if it was an actual emergency?

For a moment, we thought we could drive down for the day figuring if we didn't stay over night it wouldn't be that bad *legally speaking*. We decided against it since we were scared of what the boys may be like after a 3 1/2 hour drive and then a party that started close to their nap time.

Doing things with the kids that involve other people is very difficult. If one's behaving, the other's not. There's really never a time when they are both behaving or not in grumpy moods. The times when they're both being bad are "stop me from calling the caseworker" times. Plus they take a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day, if they don't get it close to on time we run into some serious grumpy issues...even if you're at Disney World. NO JOKE!

Anywho, I wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese down in Portland on Sunday but Mary thought it would be too much to do. We did end up doing a "bog walk" on Saturday and trying the new indoor pool at UMaine on Sunday. I feel like we're stuck in a rut of the same annoying playgrounds or the museum so it was nice to do some somewhat different things.

And on a positive note, Mary and I did get to have some fun on Friday. She took the day off and we used pre-school/day care as a babysitter *free - sweet!*. We finally checked out a local winery and then headed to our favorite town on the coast for lunch. It was definitely time for some adult fun :-) I do love the boys (even if I do constantly vent about them on this blog) but kid free time is definitely necessary if me and Mary want to make it to 3 years of marriage ;-)

Oh well, I'm off to watch Big Brother 30 minutes after it's start time and therefore free of commercials. Another positive thing - DVR :-)

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

a LONG post about the LONG weekend

The LONG weekend is over and they don't call it long for nothin'. I thought I wasn't going to make it. As I've said in a previous post, weekends are not for me. It's more work with feeding 4 people, entertaining the kids and Mary usually has some landscaping or house project for us. This is fun trying to actually get something done with a 2 yr old and 3 yr old who cannot be trusted to even play on their own for a few minutes.

As for the weekend, Saturday we took the day off from the usual weekend labor. We brought the boys to a park in the morning. It was a couple towns away and kind of far for a playground run but some friends of ours met up with us. It was nice to have some adult conversation. We also had a lil' party for the boys *just us 4 attended* for their 1/2 birthdays. It was kind of a "they've lived with us for 6 mos" celebration for us but we told them it was for their 3.5 and 2.5 birthday. It was complete with spider man theme, cakes (1 for each) and we finally got them a train set. They are obsessed with playing with trains at other places. That was fun and they were definitely thrilled. C1 has always loved singing happy birthday at random times so now he's going around singing "happy birthday to me" and telling everyone he is 3 and a 1/2.

Sunday I spent prepping the boys stuff. I painted C1's bed to match C2's. We couldn't find a matching bed since we bought them separately. I also painted the bureau (or dresser as most ppl call it) we have for them.

When we started foster care, our intentions were to take ONE baby. We stated we would like a baby up to 6 months but would consider a child up to 24 months. Then we got a call for 2 children, 26 months and 36 months - C1 and C2. We had 8 hours to prepare for their arrival which included replacing the "nursery" stuff (that we had prepared for a BABY) and adding a toddler bed. C2 has slept in the crib up until recently.

Anywho, taking on the boys has made our house a mess. Esp since bed time was always crazy, we decided to move C2 into the office since he was less likely to mess with the computer and other stuff. It's been annoying not having an actual office and toggling between C2 sleeping in the office but having all his stuff in the other room. The "nursery" room is also a lot smaller than "the office". So I decided to consolidate them into 1 room AGAIN and organize an actual room complete with a theme *sports - Red Sox and Patriots*. I decided (much to Mary's dismay) that it should be the room formerly known as "the office" since it's much bigger for 2 kids.

After some serious work on Sunday and Monday it is done. There room looks great but not only were we woken up at 6 a.m. this morning ((we've gotten them to sleep as late as 7:30 p.m. in separate rooms) by them laughing and yelling but now our office stuff is a complete mess and my internet is not working. Apparently we can't plug our dsl into a different phone outlet - wtf?!? Now I'm on Mary's laptop which luckily can get online but sucks. It's some crazy IBM she got from work. It asks me for a finger scan *literally* or password every 10 minutes and keeps threatening to shut down on me.

Oh well, enough of my ranting. Hopefully I can post some pics' of the room at a later time. It is quite nice *if I do say so myself* :-)

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Happy September ;-)

We do a calendar for the boys "stuff" every month. We finished with September's the other day and realized we have one *yes ONE* weekday in September that doesn't have at least one apptmt for the boys. This includes visits, court dates, team meetings, play therapy, developmental stuff, & dr's apptmts. Luckily, so far, they don't have anything on the weekends.

Oh, the joys of fostering the term that I have come to realize means an underpaid/under appreciated babysitter/taxi service.