So yesterday evening, HB called. I didn't want to talk so just Mary talked. I never talked on the phone with him before so it's just been weird. He's hard to understand and he keeps telling me they only have one bathroom. And well, I just want some time away from him. Unfortunately, Mary is the only one in this house that wants any contact with him. I was also happy I made this decision since she said he was being pretty mean and bossing his new mom around the entire time.
As for Cameron, I was just like, don't even ASK him if he wants to talk. We were having a good day, why ruin it. I have pretty much told Mary to drop the subject of asking him if he wants to visit or contact HB. Since at some point we'll do a visit regardless, I think it's unnecessary. A few days earlier when it was mentioned to him that at some point we'd visit HB, he said that if he went to see HB his belly was going to hurt. Basically, a 3 year old's version of it makes me nervous and anxious to even think about it.
Needless to say, HB is still out of control and has started wetting his pants a lot. I had predicted this since he was only potty trained 1-2 months before leaving our house and it's a major control spot for him. Unfortunately, I just think HB really needs to be on some sort of medication. Before HB, Mary and I were very much against medicating kids in his age range. We also thought we could work through his problems without medication but it's very clear that all the focus and all the therapy in the world is not going to do much for this kid. He's definitely someone that could really benefit from some sort of medication.
Mary also mentioned that she felt the adoptive mother was the one he was targeting like he targeted me. I was actually surprised to hear her say this since I feel Mary often thinks I'm so wrong for pretty much not liking the kid. But I was definitely most often the target of his just flat out meanness and disrespect. Even if I tried to do nice things with or for him, I always ended up frustrated because he was just mean! Mary and I are both woman but he definitely put his mother issues on me. I saw the way HB treated his "mother" and that was very much the same way he treated me.
I know it would be devastating to Mary but I wish the adoptive mother would just cut off contact at least for a while. There's nothing good to say, Mary's just feeling horrible about any updates she receives. I have to remind her that he's had all these issues and that it's nothing new. It would definitely be nice to hear that he was doing great but it would be a total shock too. I just don't think he's able to be happy and it's sad to see that in a kid so young. Again, medication is in need.
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4 comments:
HB is only 4, right? It's scary to me to imagine what he must have gone through previously to being in your home that would teach him that level of manipulation.
I hope that his adoptive parents can hang in there for a while. Obviously things aren't going to change over night. (understatement of the year.)
Cameron's statement about his belly hurting when/if he went to see HB is just heart breaking and pretty much says it all. I think you're right about not asking Cameron if he wants to talk on the phone.
The thing that really floors me is the fact that the adoptive parents seem surprised by HB's actions. Don't the social services - or whatever they're called - folks give these people a heads up on what to expect so that they can be prepared and not feed into something they need to nip in the bud?
Poor HB, poor adoptive parents, poor strange system but Candice I really think you made the right decision for your family. You know what? The whole time I was reading your post I kept thinking it might be best if communication was cut off all together. I'm far from an expert but that's what my gut was saying loud and clear as I read your post.
Even being just 4, it's very common for foster children to be very manipulating. HB's also very intelligent in some ways but unfortunately doesn't always use it for "good".
His adoptive parents reactions have also shocked ME. They were VERY well informed of his issues and possible issues. Before even being able to meet him, they met with Mary (I wasn't able to make the meeting) and his play therapist. Also, when I talked to them later I was very clear on things. Mary and I wanted to make sure any adoptive family would know what they were taking on so it wouldn't be a failed placement. Unfortunately, I think they were wearing rose colored glasses and were just thrilled to find a placement. But hopefully things will improve for them, I think his adjustments in the beginning will the worse though I think he'll still require medication and they need to get into some serious attachement therapy.
I didn't know it was common for foster children to be manipulative. Interesting.
I hope for his sake that his adoptive parents tough it out. I also hate to see children or anyone for that matter on medication (yeah and I call myself a nurse. heh heh) but if it would sooth the transition it sure might be worth a try.
Wow. That's so sad to see a kid behaving like that. It must be frustrating to not be able to fix the situation and maybe you're right, meds might help. My old manager was on meds for being bi-polar and they totally helped him out a lot. Sometimes you can't do it all with therapy and patience.
I was thinking the same thing about the adoptive family. I hope they can stick it out and be his forever family because he really needs that, although it must be so very difficult for them.
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