Big Fat POSITIVE

FINALLY! FINALLY! FINALLY!...That's all I can say.

And, oh yeah...



I'm PREGNANT!

Maybe it was the Clomid & Trigger Shot (probably), maybe it was the red raspberry leaf tea, maybe it was the donor's fabulous sperm, maybe it was the blog support. Whatever it was, I'm FINALLY PREGNANT :-)

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

2ww is ALMOST over

Now, for the subject I've been trying to avoid - my two week wait. It is FINALLY nearing the end. I feel like the first week went by nicely, I think it usually does because during that time there's no inclination of being prego even if you are going to be. Does that make any sense? :-)

Implantation and a potential positive test happens in the 2nd week. And as you get to the end of the 2nd week, you know you're going to know and it may not be the result your hoping & praying for. This creates ANXIETY.

I don't feel overly confident. I had some random nausea earlier in the week which I was excited about. Yes, excited about being nauseous. LOL. But it only lasted a day so probably wasn't a prego symptom. Mary keeps telling me to have a more positive attitude but I don't want to set myself up for a huge letdown.

I feel like Mary has been way more into this cycle. For a while, I had been feeling like she was adopting 2 kids and I was trying to have a baby. Plus, she always has so much going on with work. But this cycle she's been getting very excited about having a baby, more like when we first started trying. And I had mentioned taking next cycle off if it didn't work this cycle and she said, "I don't think you should do that at all" I was surprised because I thought, at least for our budget, she'd be happy I was not going to try next month.

I've also been more relaxed with caffeine this time. I had read some medical articles last month and found an awesome website on caffeine amounts so I've been going with caffeine in moderation opposed to completely avoiding it. So I'm enjoying 1 cup of tea/day and the occasional soy chai. Though I've still been avoiding a high amount of soy. I had some feta cheese the other day and Mary was all, "your being so rebellious this time". LOL. I actually hadn't thought about the feta. In fact, the soft cheese thing seems so ridiculous. What do women in France do?

So my 2ww is ALMOST over. My ticker says 2 days to testing but it's more like 3 or 4. My period is due on Monday and will be late on Tuesday so on 1 of those days I'll be testing (or not). AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! It's going to be a high strung weekend.

IUI & Trigger

My millionth post of the day...

So I had my IUI and then the dr. recommended a trigger shot of HcG. She also saw 2 pretty good size follicles during the ultrasound - she said there's a chance of twins but it's unlikely. Obviously, I'll be happy with one!!!

When she did the IUI, she was able to make a slide of the sperm. She said they were awesome swimmers with 80% motility (that's really good). Kind of gross but there was some blood from my cervix (since the sample had come from the catheter) and she said they were attacking the red blood cells. Hopefully they attack the egg(s)!!!

I went in for my trigger at about 1:00. For anybody thinking of one (Trace) it cost about $65 - I had to pick it up at a pharmacy and then it was 2 shots in the bum. If it's given in the arm, I guess they do 4 shots so that's why they do it in the bum. That sounds weird. LOL.

I always thought they were done before the IUI so that seems kind of odd but who knows, I have to remind myself I'm not a fertility doctor - even though I totally should be. LOL.

I'm trying to not get my hopes up TOO much though. I promise myself not to obsess over names and due dates. Yeah right!

After my shots, I decided to take a drive to visit Mary. I was already on the other side of town so I was closer to the University. It was like 80 degrees today. So I got a smoothie and she got a coffee and we sat out in the grass. So crazy to have weather like this at the end of October. I can't complain though.

I've also decided to bulk up on more vitamins since I needed more prenatals anyways and I've heard this DHA stuff is great to take during pregnancy. Though kind of dum - I bought a DHA pregnancy supplement and then Omega 3 fish oil supplements - turns out it's like the same thing. Now I'm totally confused on what to take and when.

Well, I'm off to enjoy my evening since I put the kids in bed early and Mary's at her mentor training. I can watch E! News and Little People, Big World. *Mary hates both of these* ha!

IUI Scheduled

It looks like I'll go in at 10:00. I couldn't stand the wait so finally called them again. Hopefully they get it done close to that time too - I felt like last time, I was there for over an hour before they actually did the IUI.

Oh well, I'm so neurotic in this entire process but timing is everything. We're also only doing the 1 IUI this month, opposed to 1 IVI and IUI. We felt our home method sucked (after about 7 or 8 of them) and we save about $400 in sperm cost.

Unfortunately, Mary won't be able to go with me which kind of sucks. But the boys' court case is today (also at 10). She doesn't have to actually go but she likes to, to make sure she's totally up-to-date. I went last time and felt it was not only pointless but very uncomfortable so opted out this time whether I was having the IUI or not.

The bio mother will have a chance to sign away her parental rights today though I think it's highly unlikely. The caseworker seems to think differently but she knows we want this process to be done so she sugar coats everything.

Anywho, time for me to get in some sort of meditative state before I'm poked and prodded. Oy.

IUIs and The Sox

I am impatiently awaiting a call back from my gyn's office. It's 8:12 and they open at 8. I had a positive OPK test yest afternoon so if I can get in this morning it should be pretty good timing. I left a message with their answering service early this morning. I feel like I'm ovulating RIGHT NOW. LOL.

I am so tired but for good reason - I watched the Sox beat the Indians. Now we are headed to the World Series!!! :-)

Mary's back & Mama's gone

Well, my mom is headed home to Ohio :-( It was a very nice visit - I think the perfect amount of time, just under a week. The drive to the airport in Portland sucked but Mary took the kids out this afternoon so I returned to an empty house :-)

Yesterday, we did end up going over to the coast early in the day. Of course, right after I get on the highway I remembered that I was going to call FedEx to see if they could leave the spermies w/out a signature. Doh!

Anywho, the weather was terrible yesterday...as you can see in these pics.


(the fog was actually pretty scary for some of the ride)


(my crazy mom)


(crazy me)

It was beautiful all week when we didn't have any outdoor plans. We ended up just going to Belfast...the plan was Belfast and Camden but the weather just sucked. It was still fun and I ended up being home in time to sign for the spermies.

And last night, Mary & I took advantage of my mom being here & went out to dinner after we put the kids to bed. I really really really wanted sushi since I'm about to enter a 2ww. Well, I didn't make a reservation since I didn't really know what time we'd get out of the house. There was going to be a 45 minute wait & there's no bar so we said forget it and went to the Thai place. We got a few Thai things and some sushi. Well, the sushi was YUCKY and so was the seaweed salad. Note to self: don't try to get Japanese food from a Thai place. But it was still fun to get out, we also went for yummy drinks at another place afterwards. I was pretty buzzed when I got home & Mary wanted to watch Survivor (that we had DVR'd on Thursday). So silly. I'm like, you wanna watch Survivor now???

Oh well, Mary is going to be home with the chitlins soon. I'm off to eat pizza & watch the Sox. Go Sox!!!

What's in a donor?

Well, it's that time again - the time to order sperm. One thing about doing shipping every month is that we tend to change our donor since our "perfect" first donor that we took SO long to decide is of course gone (over a year later). I've definitely seen our requirements fade away. It used to be tall, blonde, blue eyes, average weight, CMV negative, & a cute picture of them as a baby. Now the only real requirement is the blue (or green) eyes & CMV neg.

I'm trying to convince Mary to go with "my donor" instead of hers. I think the only good thing about not being prego this month was my fear of the donor we used. The staff described him as being "very attractive" but his facial profile showed him to have a large forehead and very large ears. On the other hand "my donor" has an adorable baby pic (well, more of a 3 yr old pic but still extremely cute) and a well-proportioned face.

The scary thing is seeing other people's baby who look exactly like one of the parents. My friend Connie's baby looks just like his dad Scot. Of course, this a good thing for Connie, Scot is cute and made a cute baby. She also knew what he looked like before making a baby with him. When choosing a sperm donor, it's kind of a crap shoot. I don't want my kid to look like some random guy that potentially looks nothing like me.

Mary's all about the blonde hair thing but blonde/blue eyed sperm donors go quick so we are pretty much left with last month's donor that has no baby pic available. Guys that sound great, I've ordered baby pics only to find some scary babies. I mean who wasn't cute as a baby? Apparently, guys that are donating sperm.

Mary is crazy about the blonde hair thing. Her family all had this crazy white blonde hair when they were young, as do all our nephews and nieces on that side. We refer to them as "children of the corn kids". But now, Mary has brown hair as do all but 2 out of 6 siblings (one is a redhead and I think the other is bottle blonde). And I have dark hair (though sometimes bleach finds it's way to my head) so what's wrong with having a dark haired child?

Oh well, this is turning into rambling. Of course, outside of my shallowness, I really just want good swimmers because either way I'm going to think my baby is the most adorable in the world. So we should not go with last month's donor since he didn't get me prego. It's settled - thanks! ;-)

Mama's Here

My mom is here :-) And Mary is away :-( I miss my lovebugs when she's gone.

Anywho, my mom arrived yesterday. Unfortunately for Mary, I got the day off yesterday since my mom was flying into Portland which is over a 2 hour drive from here. We tooled around, went to the Christmas Tree Shop *it's a New England thing* and to lunch.

She of course brought the kids prizes so they fought over those all night and C1 threw a major fit. Luckily, they were in pre-school/day care for most of the day and are now watching the Care Bears (the only thing they'll sit & watch) with "Nana Patty".

Today, we went to the Humane Society. Like me, my mom is also obsessed with animals. I want a kitten so bad! But we have 3 cats and 2 dogs so it's enough animals. Mary told me we could get a bunny next summer so I'm waiting on that. I'm such a child. LOL.

Oh well, I should be making dinner. Mary usually does most of the bed time routine so I'm stuck with bath, story time, and back rubs too.

Holding Therapy

We are starting some holding therapy with C1. It's amazing to see the difference in C1 and C2. C2 is extremely loving and cuddly. C1 is NOT. C2 is always asking me to hold him and giving me random hugs. I'll get an occasional amount of affection from C1 but it is rare and most of the time if you ask for a hug, he'll say NO which can be embarrassing.

Last time we had our babysitter here, when I was leaving I asked C2 for a hug & a kiss and he ran up to me with open arms and a big smile. C1 on the other hand screamed "NO!" when I asked him. Luckily, the babysitter is also C1s pre-school teacher so she knows his issues and I've learned to not let it hurt my feelings.

Anywho, holding therapy has been proven helpful in a lot of cases of autism and in our case attachment disorder. Mary was holding him this morning and I had to feel a little bit bad for the kid. He was so visibly uncomfortable. With this, we've also decided to do "time in" instead of "time out". That part, I'm not so sure of but Mary suggested it and I figured it couldn't hurt to try.

We were hesitant in doing the holding therapy since we are still on the adoption fence. But we figure, it's more important for him to have the ability to attach than worrying about him attaching too much to us (if we decide against adopting).

On the TTC front, I think I've decided to push my clomid back just one day and take it days 4-8. That way I can potentially push my ovulation to a week day but not go so much against doctors order of days 3-7. I also came to the conclusion that I really don't want to skip this cycle but if it's unsuccessful I will definitely be heading to a fertility clinic for more monitoring and most likely injectibles.

*silence* and the usual fertility rant

A lame day but a beautiful one. The kids were finally back at pre-school/day care! Sweet! The *silence* was glorious.

I spent most of the day finishing up the data entry project. Now that I'm pretty much finished with that, we've agreed that I can look for at least a temp job. It will suck for Mary since she'll have to deal with the kids schedule. But the extra money wouldn't hurt and I wouldn't mind talking to people that are above the age of 3. So I will look for one after next week (when Mary's away and my mom's in town).

I also took some time looking into other fertility options around here...or rather, in Maine. The closest stuff is in Portland which is over 2 hours away but I'm willing to make the drive.

My dr isn't really monitoring me at all. She hasn't checked my hormone levels and she's also not doing reg ultrasounds. The norm is to check a few times before insem'ing (to make sure the timing is good) and to check before starting a round of clomid (to make sure there are no cysts which clomid can cause). Hormone levels should also be checked to make sure there is a good balance to achieve pregnancy.

If I decide to use a fertility clinic this time around it would mean skipping a cycle since I doubt I'd be able to get things going within 10 days. Unfortunately, I need to make the decision soon since I definitely don't want to take the clomid if I'm not inseming.

I also debated taking clomid on days 5-9 instead of 3-7. The norm is to take it on 3-7 or 5-9 but my dr suggested 3-7 (and this is what I did last cycle). It would also be nice to push my ovulation a few days out so I wouldn't worry about it falling on a weekend or a Monday when my dr only sees patients up 'til noon. Mary thinks I should run this by the doctor which of course I don't want to because it will be a process of phone tag and the staff being confused. Of course, I'm not a doctor but I feel as far as this insemination process goes I know more than my doctor and definitely more than her incompetent staff. Oh well, it's frustrating.

Officially Negative

I am officially NOT pregnant. On to next cycle. I now have to deal with my gyn's office again. It looks like if I repeat last cycle's OPK positive day it will be on a Sunday. We were thinking the timing was too late last time so we're hoping to insem on the day of the of the pos. Unfortunately, my ovulation doesn't work on a Mon-Fri schedule so I'm hoping my gyn will be flexible to come in on the weekend.

This sucks. I am bummed that I had such high hopes after my clear HSG test last month, the clomid, and IUI. Aside from being sad about the entire process, I'm now angry I have to deal with this sh*t all over again. F*ck F*ck F*ck. *pardon my language* Since the kids are STILL home, I can do nothing but type swear words.

Mary made me do it!

Did a prego test this morning - negative :-( There is still a teency weency bit of hope that I may have tested too early but I'm doubting it.

Oh well, weekend is dragging. More on that later, about to enjoy some hot chocolate with Mary while the kids are napping - it is FREEZING here.

Peter and Pregnancy

A pretty lame day. The boys had their visit. I'm always ultra-annoyed on these days. Drop off and pick up went fine, the new place is SO much better but bio mom just irritates me. I was doing good until C2 pee'd his pants on the way home. Bio mom really should have him go potty before he gets in the car. At 2, he doesn't have the biggest bladder around.

Besides C2 pee'ing, C1 & C2 argued on the way home about which place they liked better, the "old place" or the "new place" they visit bio mom. They also argued about who's bed "Peter" was going to sleep in during nap time.

As of this morning, C1 has an imaginary friend named "Peter". Peter is a "strong girl". okie dokie. I knew it was only a matter of time before he had an imaginary friend. He kept talking to himself a lot lately and I'd say "what?" and his response would be "I'm talking to myself!". geesh. Anywho, now he has Peter to talk to and me and Mary are relieved that Peter is a "good girl". We were worried he'd come up with an evil imaginary friend that he could blame everything on.

On the tww front, ANXIETY. The am I pregnant or am I not pregnant is finally making me CRAZY. I don't want to do deal with this crap again next cycle. And Mary keeps pressuring me to test even though I'm dead set on waiting until I'm late.

I think she's freaking out about putting another thousand into baby making again next month. She was trying to make light of the financial pressure since we would just try again next month. But then we just had to pay for the sewer repair and we decided to buy my mom a plane ticket so she can visit in a few weeks. Oh well, I will continue to try NOT to obsess.

Off to be busy or something. I wish I could take an advil with a glass of wine.

1/2 way there!

So I'm a week through my two week wait. All I can say is, it never gets easier!!!
I am trying not to obsess over every lil' "symptom" since I always do and I'm always not pregnant so then I feel like a crazy person.

I can test next Tuesday though I'm thinking I should wait until I'm a few days late. Of course, knowing my luck, I'll be late and it will be the Clomid messing up my cycle. I usually get my period a day or 2 early when I'm in a tww, I guess my body letting me out of all the anxiety. Once I was a week or so late during a ttc time. I took probably a million pregnancy tests all showing I was NOT pregnant but of course it still made me crazy that my period hadn't showed up.

And if you let internet searches be your pregnancy test, you're sure to be pregnant. So needless to say, I'm avoiding all that. I'm also avoiding soy *mostly*, caffeine, and of course alcohol. I recently heard that soy can prevent implantation which sucks. I am not a soy addict but I drink soy milk and since I'm a mostly vegetarian, I sometimes eat the fake chicken and crap like that. So it's all healthy eating and prenatal vitamins for me.

The only glory in getting a negative is having a soy chai, a glass of wine and going out for sushi :-) *of course not all together - I only drink Sapporo with my sushi* ;-) It has been easier this ttc time with avoiding those things since Mary is doing the same (well except for soft cheese). I think she was mad that I said I didn't think she'd be able to go w/out alcohol and caffeine when she starts trying. But she says she's trying to reduce her stress/anxiety by avoiding alcohol and caffeine. Either way, its nice to not have to be jealous over wine and caffeine.

Of course, these are all VERY SMALL prices to pay for growing a healthy baby but annoying to do when in fact you may not even be pregnant.

Day 1 of Waiting

Well, the wait is on and I feel pretty good. I'm trying not to obsess over the fact I could be pregnant. I have had more pain than I thought I would post IUI but it seems to be subsiding. I usually feel some pain from ovulation so maybe it was the other egg popping out. Whatever, I'm not obsessing ;-)

It's been a lazy day. The only thing I've done is bring the cryotank to FedEx and make a few phone calls. We weren't able to get our fuel for the house delivered yesterday because we had left Chloe out in the yard in the a.m. *oops* so I had to deal with scheduling that.

I was going to call a temp agency to find some work but Mary said not to. I was doing this contract job for Harvard. Basically, just data entry from home. They already paid me a flat fee (and a very nice on at that) but there hasn't been much to do. Now she says there will be a decent project in the next few weeks. It's definitely easier to work from home because I can deal with the dogs and the kid stuff.

Anywho, I feel exhausted today. It is SO hot here, it's draining. It's literally 90 degrees right now. I've tried to stay downstairs in the family room since the upstairs of our house is like an oven. I love the heat but I'm getting sick of the up and down temps. One day it's 60s and then it's 80s.

Oh well, I'm off to shower in attempts to cool myself down.

Insems are DONE

Insems are ALL done - yay!!!! I have my fingers crossed that they are done forever. I'm not even pregnant and already I want my body back. LOL.

Ultrasound showed one egg had been released and one looked like it could potentially be released in time. Hopefully this results in ONE baby :-)

After out meeting with the caseworker, we cancelled bio mom's visit for today too so Mary was able to come with me. It's definitely more comfortable to have her with me in this entire *crazy* process. Plus, she is going to be a parent of the baby so it's her duty even if she's not the one being poked and prodded. ;-)

Oh well, I'm going to rest now since I've been up since 4 a.m. *couldn't sleep*

Insemination and Donor Semen 101

Most of you reading this blog are probably my friends and straight. So the entire process of insemination may be completely foreign for you. Lets start with the basics. As a lesbian couple, we went with the option of anonymous donor semen from a sperm bank located in California. There are a few banks to choose from and some people also go the method of a "known donor" meaning a man is willing to provide them with fresh semen.

Then there is ordering. I wanted to order an ICI sample and an IUI sample. ICI (intracervically) is as is, not "washed". When sperm travels through your bits, it is "washed" on its own, taking away all the gross stuff (not a medical term) and leaving only the sperm to swim to the egg. The ICI sample can be inserted vaginally or into your cervix (if you can find it). An IUI sample on the other hand is "washed" and is safe to insert into or as close as you can get to the uterus. This is usually done by a medical professional though some have tried it on their own...I'm not naming names ;-)

Needless to say, after you go through ordering which includes calling with your customer number and mother's maiden name, you give the donor number, height, weight, hair color, eye color, race and blood type. The shipment is then shipped via FedEx.

The pricing breaks down into
ICI Vial $340
IUI Vial $420
Shippping $220 (we paid extra for Saturday deliver, shipping is normally $195)

It arrives in a brown box - that usually looks like this is the 100th time it's been used. At our house, you'll probably find a cat on it.



In it, you'll find a lovely cryotank

wow, I actually have cleavage in this pic...and I'm not pulling a Michael Jackson look, the glove is because the stuff is FREEZING (like burn your hand freezing).


And what's inside that cryotank? Well, aside from liquid nitrogen (to keep it frozen), spermies!

yup, that's what a frozen vial of sperm looks like. you expected more? my first time, I did too.

Since we are doing both an ICI and IUI, the ICI is done first since the sperm not only lives longer but is traveling a further distant. The IUI needs to be done as close as possible to ovulation since you're putting it close to the eggies and it can only live up to 24 hours due to it being washed or whatever.

Anywho, Our home insem is over, as usual it turned into National Lampooon's Insemination. I'm glad I'm having a professional one tomorrow a.m. and hopefully the ultrasound will show good things.

Breakdown by 8 a.m.

POS OPK this morning. Called dr's office but they don't open until 9.

Then the caseworker who was supposed to come by this morning for a quick check of the boys, calls to schedule an emergency meeting. Nobody in the family wants the boys but the great-grandmother wants to have a relationship with us so she can see them. We tried this before, she over stepped her boundries *an understatement* and it did NOT work.

We meet with the caseworker at 12 to discuss. It's going to be difficult since me and Mary are still at opposite ends of the adoption spectrum. I'm NO she's YES. UGH.

All this before 8 a.m. I think I'll go have a breakdown.

Donor 2500

One last post before I finally finish packing.

The sperm is ORDERED and there is $980 worth of pressure on me to get prego this cycle. Actually, about $1370 if you count the price of clomid, the HSG test, and the potential IUI. It will arrive on Saturday.

I gave Mary the executive decision on the donor so lets hope it pays off. She usually makes better decisions that I do anyways. Lets just hope the staff impression that the donor is "very attractive" is correct and that my baby doesn't have huge ears and isn't one of those blonde babies that doesn't have hair until they're like 3 years old. LOL. I'm so shallow and terrible.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks!

Having a baby ain't cheap

I follow this message board for lesbians trying to conceive. One of the lesbian couples that I dislike *it's a long story* is pregnant AND to top it off, it's only their second try. They also only tried at home and didn't do any tracking before hand. It's so weird how people's luck at this ttc game can be so different. It's a total crap shoot which is a why I hate it. I'm annoyed and bitter.

I think Mary's freaking out since I'm placing the sperm order today. She wanted to skip this month but I put my foot down. Hopefully I'm right and we don't just waste $980 in sperm costs. There's no pressure or anything *yeah right*.

We also got a bill for the HSG test for 50% of the cost. Apparently, our insurance company covers 50% of infertility costs. Mary was kind of bitter that they only covered 1/2, I was elated since I was worried they wouldn't cover any. Paying $300 is definitely better than $600.

Oh well, I am busy preparing for a our trip tomorrow. We don't leave until late in the afternoon but I'll have C2 home since has play therapy late in the morning. He's in play therapy merely for integrating him into C1's sessions. C2 doesn't seem to have any issues where he'd need it so it's kind of annoying but whatever.